I Had A Dream

I had a dream when I was younger, of falling in love, getting married to a wonderful husband, and raising a family together. This is one dream that unfortunately did not come true for me. At least not in the way I had planned. But I did dream of having children. And although my dream of a man and woman raising a child together did not come true, it's okay, because that dream can still come true one day. However, I was blessed with the most precious gift-- a beautiful baby boy, Liam James Strong. I arrived at the hospital at 7AM that chilly winter morning on March 12th, 2008. The sun was just beginning to meet the earth, and this day was going to be the first day of the rest of my life. My water was broken by 7:30AM, and that's when the process really began. I couldn't wait. I was finally going to look into the eyes of the son who I carried for 9 long, wonderful months. I was ready to be a mother. I planned on a beautiful, natural labor. No medicine, just the strength of mind over matter. I knew I could do it. I had practiced over and over for it, and was actually anxious to experience the pain, because I knew it was a beautiful pain, with meaning and reason. As the doctor was breaking my water, she realized that his head was not completely engaged. This was risky because with my water being broken, that gave chance to the umbilical cord coming through before his head. The danger in a prolapsed cord, is that if the cord comes before the head, the oxygen and blood supply will be cut off to the baby. It is very, very dangerous. So I had to stay confined to the bed in a lying down position. I could not get up to use the bathroom, to walk, nothing until his head was for surely locked down. Half hour after my water was broken, I began to really feel the labor. But I was fine. It made it all the better that I had the support from my wonderful mother, and my friends Emily and Jess whom were all there for me, and anxious to share this wonderful experience with me. As the minutes and hours progressed, the contractions became more intense. But on a scale of 1-10 my pain never got over a 9. I knew I could take on more. The pain increased, and finally my contractions were one on top of the other. Three and a half hours into labor, the nurse decided to check me and that's when she realized something wasn't right. She brought the doctor back in with her, and the doctor confirmed that the cord had in fact slipped over his head. It was prolapsed. I was informed that I was going to need an emergency C-Section, and things began to get loud as they were hurriedly calling for surgeons and what not. My hopes of having a natural labor was shattered. I so badly wanted to experience it all, as weird as it may sound. I had practiced my breathing and relaxing techniques for weeks, and not at all did I expect that I would have to have a C-Section. But it was at that time, that I had to realize that it didn't matter, as long as the baby and I are healthy, a natural labor is not as important. But I was still very sad about it. At 11:49AM, I saw the face of my newborn child. The one I had been waiting for. The doctors lifted him over the curtain and I could not believe how beautiful he was. Words cannot explain the feeling I had the first time I saw him. I didn't know what to expect, but I honestly did not believe he could be as beautiful as he was! The doctors weighed him, and he was in fact a large boy. 8lbs, 5oz and 20inches long. How's that for a girl no taller than 5 feet and 100lbs pre-pregnancy weight?! He was healthy, and his cries were very reassuring. I remember the overwhelming feeling that came upon me when he was officially born. I can't explain it quite right in words, but it was a feeling of confusion, excitement, anxiousness, etc. I remember being asked, "How does it feel being a mommy?" and I answered, "I don't know." One thing was for sure though, I loved him from the start. I was wheeled off into my post-delivery room. I remember feeling all itchy from the medication. I was waiting and waiting and was so anxious because they still had not brought Liam to me! Then finally my mom came into my room, and I asked, "Where is he?" And then they brought him to me.

The love of my life; I finally get to hold him in my arms instead of my belly. He's big, he's beautiful, he's mine. I did not ask for him, but he came to me, and I fully accepted this gift from God. For whatever reason, or lesson, he came to me. Now, after having him, many things have changed. Promises that were made, were broken. The man who was also responsible for him, didn't exactly step up to the plate like I had hoped. Friends that I hoped would be here for us to experience this with us, weren't there.

Loneliness is definitely a feeling I carry with me all the time. But I keep going, because at the end of the day, I know I'm not alone.

Liam and I are in this together, and we continue to keep each other strong, in the hopes that someday we can share our lives with a wonderful person and build our family.

No matter what, though, I am thankful everyday because I know I'm truly blessed;

my cup floweth over.